WHILE some couples thrive on constant companionship, others need their own space in a relationship. So how much space is necessary in a relationship?
Banele Maphondo, a marriage counsellor at Fruitful Place Church, says the answer depends a lot on the type of relationship and the people involved.
"Some people do better when they're together constantly and others crave more of their own space in a relationship.
"The hard part is finding a happy medium that both people are comfortable with. This is made more difficult when you each have very different ideas about togetherness and space.
"But as long as you can compromise on the level of space in a relationship that you both need, then you can work through this challenge," he says
Maphondo says some people don't like to be alone. They're much happier spending all their time with colleagues, friends, family and their partner. He says when they're alone and doing things on their own, they feel a little lost and lonely. Other people cherish their alone time.
"Without a little solitude every day, they feel burdened and have a hard time relaxing. They feel that they always have to be "up" or "on" for people. This can be exhausting," Maphondo says.
"Those are two extremes, of course. A lot of people fall somewhere in the middle. They love the time they spend with their partner, but they also want some me-time to balance it out and recharge. If both of you fall into that happy medium, then defining your space in a relationship should be pretty easy," he says.
"And if you each fall into the same extreme group, where both need lots of space or dislike being alone, things are made easier, too," Maphondo says.
But psychologist Asiphe Ndlela says people need space in a relationship.
"Time apart can bring your togetherness new life. Differentiation in marriage means that instead of two people paddling the same canoe, each person paddles their own, side by side," Ndlela says.
She adds that physical and emotional space is a basic human need and when two people assume all their needs are going to be fulfilled through each other, the relationship is set up for disappointment, and ultimately failure.
"Having a variety of friends is a route toward developing - personally, socially and spiritually. Participating in a variety of activities makes you well-rounded and gives you more to talk about with your partner," Ndlela says.
She says relationships that seem perfect and in which the couple does everything together are at great risk of failing.
"It is human nature to end up feeling imprisoned by the sense of being permanently glued together and always having to rely on one another for a source of fulfilment in everyday life," she says.
"To be whole, it is important for all of us to feel autonomous as well as attached. To avoid over-reliance on one person, it is important to recognise the over-attachment and to talk honestly and supportively with one another about practical and positive solutions that will allow both of you the room to grow individually within a partnership.
She says often, the necessary space in relationships is compromised when a person's inherent behaviour comes to the surface.
"A man is more likely to steer clear of the woman in his life when she's stressed because that's the kind of treatment he would prefer if he were depressed. But a woman needs exactly the opposite - hugs and support," she says.
"Likewise, when a man is stressed a woman is tempted to be all over him, showing her love and caring and concern - because that's the kind of treatment she wants when feeling stressed. But he needs exactly the opposite - he wants to be left alone," Ndlela says.
But how does striving for these ideals play out in real life?
"Negotiating time together and apart can be a tricky business, triggering a host of negative feelings: rejection, insecurity, jealousy, mistrust and resentment. Solutions come when couples recognise each other's needs and create workable compromises," Ndlela says.
She warns that telling a partner you need space can be very, very confusing for men and women who grew up in an environment that was unstable.
"They easily get bothered by sudden changes and the "not knowing" what's going to happen next overwhelms, frustrates and depresses them. The real tragedy here is that when you overwhelm a man or woman with your desperation, neediness and anger, you force him or her to actually think about ending the relationship. Your strong drive and determination to get attention and love is likely to get you into difficult situations because you want things to go faster, at your pace, your call. What you get is men and women literally running for their lives: "It's best if we had no contact" , "Just leave me alone" or "You are too much for me".
CREDIT :Sowetan
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